Personal Stories

Each year, there are about 2,500 domestic violence offenses reported in Morris County, NJ. There are countless others who are victimized but don't report the abuse to the authorities. These victims are more than just a statistic. They are our loved ones, neighbors, friends and coworkers.

Here are their stories.
(All of the identifying information has been changed to maintain confidentiality and safety.)

Carol
"Not to an Educated, Affluent Woman Like Me..."
Carol never had a black eye or bruises. Yet, after 20 years of marriage, she knew that she had been emotionally damaged.

"With no provocation, my husband would subject me to a barrage of verbal criticisms and put downs while destroying almost anything at hand," remembers Carol. "The outbursts never lasted for long, but the effects did."

Domestic abuse or intimate partner abuse takes a toll on the mind, body and spirit. Reported by nearly 1 in 3 women, it includes emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual, and physical abuse. At the root of each form of abuse, is the abuser's intent to gain control over the partner.

Like many victims of abuse, Carol felt ashamed and blamed herself for the things that went wrong in the marriage, and believed that if she tried harder, it would get better. As close friends became aware of the escalating situation, they advised her to get out, but she still hesitated to take action.

"I had trouble accepting that this was happening to me, an educated, affluent woman living in a nice home and in a nice community. Also, I didn't want to believe that the person with whom I had fallen in love, married and raised a family could be such a threatening and unpredictable person," explains Carol.

It wasn't until one night, when Carol slept on the other side of a locked door, fearing for her safety, that she knew she had to take action. Certain she had no other alternative; she called the police for help. The officers informed of her of her legal rights, removed her partner from the home, and referred her to JBWS, the local domestic abuse program in Morris County.

"I wasn't sure if JBWS could help me," explains Carol. "After all, I wasn't physically battered and I didn't need to come to a shelter."

Carol's counselor assured her that she had called the right place and that although her wounds were not visible, she was a victim of abuse. Carol was offered a court advocate to help her through the legal process and was urged to join one of the many support groups offered by JBWS for women who do not need protective shelter, but do need supportive counseling and advocacy services.

"I was surprised to discover that the women in my group were from surrounding affluent communities and not unlike me," says Carol. "One after another, they presented different yet similar accounts of the same stories of power, control and rage. The group was so empowering. It helped me to regain my confidence and self-esteem."

Anna
From the beginning, something was terribly wrong. Normal life is not vicious verbal assaults and self-esteem-eroding emotional abuse, dished out for no reason, and without apology. But I was not yet a student of abuse. I didn't know how to recognize it, verbalize it, or deal with it. My reaction, over and over again, was to rationalize it. I truly felt that if I could just love him enough, say the right things, and treat him better than anyone else had, that eventually he would come around and I would be rewarded for my patience.

Somewhere along the line I began to realize, ever so painfully, that I was spending an awful lot of time with a knot in my stomach or tightness in my throat. I was constantly walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. I concentrated on his needs and never my own. All my energy went into keeping the peace, instead of enjoying life.

I withdrew from my friends, gradually becoming more and more isolated. I'd paint a happy picture for them when we did speak. If I told them how he was really treating me, they'd think I was crazy to stay with him. It was such a roller coaster ride! I lived for the widely scattered peaks, and tried to ignore the ever-lengthening valleys.

Now I am full of anxiety and pain. My insides are screaming every minute of every day. I loved this man, and I would have done anything to help him. But I can't love him anymore. Somehow, I have to let him go. I feel rage at what was done to me in the name of love.

I cry very often—at home, in my car, and sometimes even at work. I never used to cry. The tears just show up and sometimes they don't stop. How can anyone cry at work? That's something I could never comprehend. Now I know. Anger, sadness, pain, betrayal, my vanished hopes and dreams, my fears, my lost freedom and safety, my tortured memories; all these things make me cry, anytime, anywhere.

I am now extremely tense and jumpy. When the doorbell rings, even if I am expecting a visitor, I jump a mile. When I hear a car pull into my driveway, my whole body tenses up. I am haunted and tormented by what has happened. Some nights I cannot sleep and I have frequent nightmares. I am deeply afraid. He said he would destroy me. I cannot let my guard down. I can never forget.

I cringe when I think how the newspapers reported that "the victim was released unharmed." Not true! There are many types of harm in addition to broken bones. Trust, for example. How do I ever trust a man again? How can I even trust myself again after having spent so much energy on a relationship, which brought me so little emotional satisfaction? How could I have ignored my own needs for so long? How could I have settled for mere crumbs of affection? Surely I deserved more than that!

The support that I received from JBWS was invaluable. I was initially shocked that anyone would refer to me as a battered woman. But once I learned that battering encompasses verbal and emotional abuse, as well as physical abuse, I understood why my scars felt so deep and painful, and I knew I needed their help.

Victor
At first I didn't believe I belonged in the batterer's counseling program. I thought I was the victim. I didn't think what I was doing was any big deal, or that I was behaving that badly. If the court hadn't ordered me to the ACT program, I would have continued my behavior. I went along with the program, thinking it was a way to get my wife back.

I thought: 'I'm a man. A man can do whatever it takes to maintain the power and control over the family unit.' I really wanted her to fear me so she would be under my control.

After about six or seven weeks, I started to see that I was abusive. It was hard at first, but I had to admit that I was a batterer and that I had to take responsibility for what I did. What was going on in my home was not from marital problems: it was wife abuse and it was because of me.

I could not have done this on my own. ACT offers counseling within a structured program and keeps the batterer focused on why he is there. Attending ACT changed my behavior. I take responsibility for my anger now. I don't mind getting angry. It is usually a signal for me. If I recognize my anger and admit to it, that often diffuses it.

I don't think many men take inventory of their feelings. Abuse is a pattern of power and control over someone, usually through intimidation. An abusive man has to get help for himself. He needs to get into a program like ACT or in some form of abuse counseling. This is not a marriage problem and marriage counseling is not what is needed. Despite my involvement in ACT, my wife still wanted a divorce. Staying in the program was not going to save my marriage. I wanted to save myself.

The court experience was a humiliating, embarrassing, and humbling experience. It's too bad it took a restraining order to wake me up. If I had gone to the program earlier, I could have lived violence-free sooner.