How You Can Help
A Friend Who is Hurting from Abuse
You may be the first person to suspect that your friend is being abused. And, you may be the person your friend confides in when there is a problem. But before you have that conversation, think carefully about what you are going to say and where you will do it. Every situation is unique and sometimes just talking about the abuse with the victim can be dangerous.
If you are worried about your or your friend's safety, then it is a good idea to talk with a trusted adult, like a teacher, school counselor, parent or trained counselor who specializes in preventing further abuse. The 24-hour helpline is a good place to start. You can speak to someone on the phone without giving your name.
When you are ready to talk to your friend, think and show C-O-N-C-E-R-N.
Concern
Saying "I'm concerned or worried about you" is a good way to open the conversation. Don't start by criticizing the relationship. Your friend will feel forced to defend the relationship rather than to look at the affect of the relationship.
Observations
Share specific observations like, "I've noticed that you act weird around Dan," or "I've noticed that you don't spend time with your friends anymore," or "I've noticed that you have to text Dan constantly to let him know where you are and that he gets angry if you don't." Help your friend see that these are all ways that someone tries to get control in the relationship.
No one deserves to be controlled or abused
Whether or not your friend is ready to admit the relationship might be bad or even abusive, you can still provide important information. Unfortunately, many people grow up thinking that somehow the victim is to blame for the abuse. Make sure your friend knows that no one deserves to be abused. The person using abuse — emotional or physical — is responsible for the use of inappropriate behavior. Their actions are a choice that they make and no one else is to blame.
Confidentiality
Let your friend know that you respect the need for privacy and won't gossip to other friends about her relationship. Explain that you support the right to make one's own decisions. If you are concerned about safety issues however, then you (and/or your friend) may need to make a call to a specially trained counselor for free, confidential help.
Empathize with her
Don't judge your friend. Instead empathize with how complicated relationships can get. Recognize the good parts of the relationship as well as the bad stuff. Point out any warning signs of potential abuse and control.
"R" you safe?
Safety has to be a top concern anytime someone suspects abuse. If you've witnessed physical abuse in the relationship or your friend reveals physical abuse, be prepared to express your concerns about safety issues. Explain that what may start as emotional abuse can turn into intimidation, threats and even physical or sexual abuse. Helpline workers can assist you and/or your friend with a specific safety planning.
Name the problem
Naming your friend a "victim of dating abuse" before she/he is ready to believe it may only make the person defensive. When the time is right, however, naming the problem as "a pattern of abuse" may help your friend to see why the abuse continues no matter what. Also, naming the problem may help to reduce feelings of loneliness and hopelessness and can make it easier to find the best help for the problem.
For more advice on how to help your friend, please call the 24-Hour helpline.
How You Can Help
A Friend Who is Using Abuse & Control
Someone who is being abusive to a dating partner will likely continue to be abusive unless they get help. Your friend can learn to have a healthy, non abusive relationship. It's not easy to confront a friend about abuse, but it's important because everyone deserves to have a safe and healthy relationship.
Be clear and specific about what you saw and how it made you feel.
Don't say "you acted like a jerk." Openly and honestly describe what happened and your reaction. "I didn't like it when you called your girlfriend fat and ugly in front of us. She must have felt really embarrassed."
Give a "reality check."
Don't reject your friend, just the behavior. Let your friend know that abusive and controlling behavior has consequences. "You know, what you did could get you in trouble or arrested."
Get Information.
Let your friend know that there are places that can help. Share written information about places that can help your friend change the behavior.
Refer for help.
Let your friend know that there are adults — a counselor, mentor, teacher, parent, or coach — who can help someone to stop abusive behavior, including Choices, a program of JCNV.
Tips for those using abuse are based on a Liz Claiborne publication: What You Need to Know about Dating Violence — A Teen Handbook.
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